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Party Time?

Just before I sat down to write this I was at a party. It wasn’t very good, to tell you the truth. And there weren’t many people at it. Actually, come to think of it, I was the only one there. You might have gone to this kind of party before. You’ve probably sent out a few rsvps to a “Self Pity” party. Tonight mine was about a friend not calling, and then it went to “everyone seems to have something to do tonight”, to “it’s terrible being single”, and “Ill never get married” and on and on it went.

This kind of thinking, of course, only leads to feelings of defeat, resentment, and bitterness. It is also contrary to what God expects from us.

Jeremiah’s Party of One

When I struggle with anything, I turn to the Bible for direction. So as my party wound down I grabbed my Bible and did a search on self pity. What I found was the prophet Jeremiah having a party of his own.

May the day my mother bore me not be blessed!
Cursed be the man who brought my father the news,
who made him very glad, saying,
“A child is born to you—a son!”
May that man be like the towns
the LORD overthrew without pity.
May he hear wailing in the morning,
a battle cry at noon.
For he did not kill me in the womb,
her womb enlarged forever.
Why did I ever come out of the womb
to see trouble and sorrow
and to end my days in shame? Jeremiah 20:14-18

Wow! I don’t think I am that bad! But nonetheless here we read of Jeremiah deep in self-wallowing. The circumstances in Jeremiah’s life had led him to wish he had never been born. I must admit I felt a little better reading of a prophet chosen by God, feeling sorry for himself. Yet that does not make self-pity okay.

Its All About Perspective

At the root of self pity is the belief that we deserve better then what we have. Yet the truth is that if we take an honest look at ourselves we must admit that we are not deserving of all the blessings that come from God. So how can we then feel sorry for ourselves when God has given us so much? A friend of mine once stated that if God never blessed him with anything again in his life, he would still be eternally grateful because of God’s gift of salvation. Can I say the same thing? I want to be able to say yes but some days Im just not there.

In Lamentations we find Jeremiah with a completely different attitude. Instead of focusing on himself, the prophet has looked upward:

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:21-24

This is the antidote to feeling sorry for myself! I look at God and see all he has delivered me from. I place my hope in knowing that with each day comes a fresh dose of compassion from God. Whatever might be causing you to pity yourself today, take it to the Lord. Ask Him to forgive you and then wait for him, for He is your portion.

My Story So Far…

Romans 8:28 is one of those verses everyone quotes to comfort someone who is experiencing a trial of some kind: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Yet when I insert that passage into my real life circumstances, faith in what God will do does not come so easily. Looking back at my journey with an anxiety disorder, I can see God working things for my good, but boy was it difficult to see it at the time.

In many ways anxiety has always been a struggle for me but it wasn’t until high school that it disrupted my daily life. The anxiety became a constant, making it difficult to concentrate on anything. I had a hard time sleeping and eating. Its ugly cousin depression soon followed. I eventually went to see a psychologist during my junior year that helped me through some of my fears. Slowly life became better for me. When I began college I felt that struggling with anxiety was far behind me. It was during my last semester in school that I began to experience those old feelings I thought were long gone. I once again sought help and believed that in several months, a year tops, this whole nightmare would be over. But it has not been so simple.

Searching for Answers

The most difficult aspect of having an anxiety disorder is the implications I believed it had on my Christian faith. I have been a Christian for most of my life and knew the Bible and the countless times we are commanded to “fear not”. I was convinced that my problem was a faith problem and therefore the solution would be to “get” more faith. So I read my Bible, I fasted, I prayed. When a cure did not follow I fell into a depression believing that I had failed God and he therefore would never heal me due to me lack of faith.

During this time I read all the Christian books I could find about depression and anxiety which further convinced me that my problem was 100% spiritual. Despite the fact that I had a degree in psychology and worked in the mental health field I somehow, as a Christian, could not come to terms with the fact that I had a mental health problem. I felt that each time the anxiety returned God was looking down at me, shaking his head and wondering why I couldn’t just trust him more.

There have been no simple answers in this road. Is it genetics? Probably. My mother, her two sisters, and my grandmother have all suffered with depression. Is it the environment? That is also a possibility. My father was over-protective with me from day one. Always fearing the worst was just around the corner, I was not allowed to do many things. Was it my temperament? Most likely. I was always a quiet child, sensitive and introverted. Or maybe it is my lack of faith? I believe that also plays a part in the picture. None of us have complete faith in God. Our faith is imperfect, cracked by doubts and fears.

Acceptance and Surrender

What I have come to realize is that the why is not so important. This is one of my weakness, my thorn in the flesh. I am accepting that. That acceptance allows me to surrender this to God. To let him do with it what he wills whether it be to heal me or to allow me to continue with this thorn. What I know to be true is that he has my life in his hands. He understands the depths of my mind that I myself cannot comprehend. Somehow he has used this for good. Because unlike any other aspect of my life, it is this anxiety disorder that continues to take me deeper into my relationship with Christ.

These days I am doing okay. When anxiety taps my shoulder I do not fear it so much. I do not feel condemnation because through Christ there is none. I face the anxiety head on because I know with Christ I can conquer it once more.

When My Faith Is Small

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14:29-32

He stepped out in faith. Even though it was humanely impossible, he trusted his master. But then doubt clouded his mind when he looked around and saw how dangerous this was. What was he thinking? Walking on water?! And so he began to sink. In desperation he screamed out for help.

So many times in my own life I have felt like Peter. I have stepped out in faith but when I see the wind I stop short. In my mind this is how I have sometimes believed Jesus responds to the Peters of the world “You have no faith! Can’t you see I’m right here with you? Obviously you don’t trust me so why should I listen to your cries for help? Sorry, but you’re on your own in this one!”

But that’s not what happens next. What Jesus does to Peter is what he has done with me countless times. It says that “immediately Jesus reached out” and brought him out. Jesus points out Peter’s small faith but he does not condemn him for it. Yet the focus of this story is not necessarily about what little faith Peter had but about what a caring, generous God was with Peter that night. Too many times my focus is on the size of my faith, of my doubts. There have been moments when looking at my faith I became discouraged and depressed. I reproached myself endlessly, “why can’t you have complete faith in God?” “God will not answer my prayers because my faith is small” and on and on I went. But the focus should never be on us; instead it should be on Jesus. When we focus on ourselves, we will lose heart. When I start to drown because I have an imperfect faith that is mangled with doubt, Jesus reaches out and pulls me out. When we turn our eyes towards him, we are met with forgiveness, understanding, and best of all unending love.

Sharing God’s Comfort with Others

God tells us in his Word that the primary reason he comforts us is so that we may comfort others. When I began to deal with anxiety I felt guilt and shame. As a Christian I felt that I should not be experiencing this because I believed it meant that I did not have faith. As someone in the mental health field, I was embarrassed to be helping others experiencing all kinds of problems when I myself was dealing with a “mental health” problem. For these reasons I have been for the most part private about my shenanigans w/ anxiety.

Not so long ago I was reading about pride in a bible study called Seeking Him. In it I learned that not sharing with others our weaknesses for fear of what they might think is a form of pride. Oops! I was definitely guilty. As I meditated more and more on it I understood this truth. Instead of sharing with others our weaknesses, we smile and pretend we have it all together. Then those people around us, struggling themselves, are left thinking to themselves “Wow, look at her. She’s got it all together. If only she knew what I was dealing with!” It is not that we are to run around telling everyone all of our business but we should use the opportunities God gives us to share with others how he has blessed us through our weaknesses.

Soon after I started thinking this way a co-worker of mine called me to her office in tears because she had just experienced a panic attack. Right away I realized this was my chance to share the comfort God had given me in similar situations. As I shared with her my own experiences, she began crying and stated “thank you God!”. She said she felt alone in this and didn’t know anyone else who knew what it was like. Had I patted her in the back and told her I would pray for her I would have missed the opportunity God had placed right in front of me. Many times I have wished to find other Christians who can identify with the struggles of an anxiety disorder. That day with my coworker I realized that I needed to also be that person others can find encouragement from but that can only happen by opening up about my own story.

We are all broken people in need of God’s mercy and grace. I pray that God helps us not pretend otherwise. He has not comforted us in our dark times so that we may feel better and end of story. No, he has done it so that we may pass it on to those in need of the hope that is found in Christ. So pass on God’s grace today when you find someone traveling the same broken road you have.