My Story So Far…
Romans 8:28 is one of those verses everyone quotes to comfort someone who is experiencing a trial of some kind: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Yet when I insert that passage into my real life circumstances, faith in what God will do does not come so easily. Looking back at my journey with an anxiety disorder, I can see God working things for my good, but boy was it difficult to see it at the time.
In many ways anxiety has always been a struggle for me but it wasn’t until high school that it disrupted my daily life. The anxiety became a constant, making it difficult to concentrate on anything. I had a hard time sleeping and eating. Its ugly cousin depression soon followed. I eventually went to see a psychologist during my junior year that helped me through some of my fears. Slowly life became better for me. When I began college I felt that struggling with anxiety was far behind me. It was during my last semester in school that I began to experience those old feelings I thought were long gone. I once again sought help and believed that in several months, a year tops, this whole nightmare would be over. But it has not been so simple.
Searching for Answers
The most difficult aspect of having an anxiety disorder is the implications I believed it had on my Christian faith. I have been a Christian for most of my life and knew the Bible and the countless times we are commanded to “fear not”. I was convinced that my problem was a faith problem and therefore the solution would be to “get” more faith. So I read my Bible, I fasted, I prayed. When a cure did not follow I fell into a depression believing that I had failed God and he therefore would never heal me due to me lack of faith.
During this time I read all the Christian books I could find about depression and anxiety which further convinced me that my problem was 100% spiritual. Despite the fact that I had a degree in psychology and worked in the mental health field I somehow, as a Christian, could not come to terms with the fact that I had a mental health problem. I felt that each time the anxiety returned God was looking down at me, shaking his head and wondering why I couldn’t just trust him more.
There have been no simple answers in this road. Is it genetics? Probably. My mother, her two sisters, and my grandmother have all suffered with depression. Is it the environment? That is also a possibility. My father was over-protective with me from day one. Always fearing the worst was just around the corner, I was not allowed to do many things. Was it my temperament? Most likely. I was always a quiet child, sensitive and introverted. Or maybe it is my lack of faith? I believe that also plays a part in the picture. None of us have complete faith in God. Our faith is imperfect, cracked by doubts and fears.
Acceptance and Surrender
What I have come to realize is that the why is not so important. This is one of my weakness, my thorn in the flesh. I am accepting that. That acceptance allows me to surrender this to God. To let him do with it what he wills whether it be to heal me or to allow me to continue with this thorn. What I know to be true is that he has my life in his hands. He understands the depths of my mind that I myself cannot comprehend. Somehow he has used this for good. Because unlike any other aspect of my life, it is this anxiety disorder that continues to take me deeper into my relationship with Christ.
These days I am doing okay. When anxiety taps my shoulder I do not fear it so much. I do not feel condemnation because through Christ there is none. I face the anxiety head on because I know with Christ I can conquer it once more.
Tags: anxiety, Christian, depression, faith, God
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December 18, 2009 at 6:08 pm
This is good thinking! The conclusions you came to are right on! I am so glad to hear that you feel you have made progress and have some strategies in place. Of course facing things with the Lord at our side is the only way for me too. For ‘if God is for me who can be against me?’ Merry Christmas Marianne!
January 19, 2010 at 9:58 pm
Great post, Marianne. I’ve noticed that CHristians respond differently to depression and anxiety than non-believers. Because they are so keen to be right before God, they are often overwhelmed with the things you’ve explained above, such as thinking depression was 100% spiritual, or God looking down at us. Of course, the spiritual realm is involved, as Satan never hesitates to kick someone who is down, but it is only a part of it. It definately runs in families, both my parents have suffered from it. The way we are raised has a large impact upon us too. Loved your closing paragraphs about acceptance and surrender, and how God has used it to draw you closer to Jesus.
January 21, 2010 at 1:30 pm
Thanks Peter. I think that more & more the Christian community is making it so that individuals struggling with mental health issues do not feel condemned. Of course, we still have alot to learn. Lets hope this trend contiues!